Toddler Woes: Oliver and the China Cabinet

Toddler Woes: Oliver and the China Cabinet

Have you ever lost it, really broke down in a fury and yelled at someone you love and trust? Overreacted?  It isn’t unusual. Surely we have all owed someone an apology. Was it easy for you to say you were sorry? Were you soon — or at least eventually — forgiven? I hope so. It is a terrible feeling to lose control over our emotions, but we have all done it at some point in our lives.

Now imagine being three years old and being told you cannot play with the shiny porcelain china that has been in your family for generations. Say you walk into the dining room where your great grandmother’s delicate, gold trimmed china and crystal are on display. Your wobbly-legged toddler stands before the now open-doored glass cabinet. He is standing on an upholstered chair and he is holding the teapot. 

What do you say? (With the understanding you may not have had much sleep in the last couple of years.)

1. OMG Oliver! Give that to mommy! How many times have I told you the beautiful glittery crystal and the gold leafed china are not toys? Please! Stay Out of There!  (Most of us don’t have that stuff, but imagine your most prized possession in the hands of  Oliver, the most curious and casually destructive force on earth.) 

Or might you say sternly, but not really yelling:

2. Oliver put that down right now! It’s going to break and I will be very upset! Come with me right now. Let’s go get some lunch. (Oh, didn’t that just whet his appetite.)

Or:

3. Hey Oliver, what are you doing? Can I play, too?

Which response do you think Oliver is the most likely to respond well to? Obviously, it is number 3. 

Do your insides scream, “WHY IS HE SET ON RUINING MY STUFF? He knows he isn’t supposed to play there! I want to spank him or at least yell at him so he knows how I feel about it! What am I supposed to do and how can I keep him out of there? What if the whole case or all of those glass shelves came down on him!?!”

This is where serious adulting comes into play. He is a baby and still understands little about the world. He doesn’t care about the china’s incredible origins. It’s shiny and pretty and clinks when the pieces bang together. And he was quite proud of dragging that chair over and climbing up on it. That didn’t feel dangerous at all!

At three, he is a bundle of nerves and uncontrollable wants. Having to control his desires is a new thing for him (or her, obviously) and the fact that the beautiful shiny china that belonged to your great-grandmother may have significant financial worth is completely lost on him. He does not care.

Oliver is not yet a person of the world. This is your chance to become the perfect grownup and help Oliver learn some boundaries while not insulting him, blaming him, or making him feel like a Bad Boy, which he will resist feeling, because his intentions were not malicious. 

You need to come to Oliver where he lives, in his heart, soul, and brain. So, you sit down next to Oliver on the floor and ask, “Can I see that? What do you like about it? Why do you want to play with it?” 

The door for Oliver to connect with you is now open. Oliver says he likes the to put the lid on and take it off again. You get a brilliant look on your face and say, “You know what Oliver? I have something I think you would love! Let’s put this away and follow me to the kitchen!” There you take out your old shiny metal coffeepot, the old fashioned kind that perks and has all kinds of cool pieces inside.  (If you don’t have one, get one for your 18 month to three year old. It is a great toy.), Now, you and Oliver sit on the floor, you offer him the coffee pot and invite him to take it apart. Oliver will play with that for a half an hour. 

On your next trip to the store, hit the hardware department and buy a lock for your china cupboard. 

Case closed. 

The point is: Be aware that Oliver in most cases has no clue why what he is doing is bad. Avoid insulting him, it will make matters worse in time. No one wants to be made to feel bad and most children want to please their parents. In time, pleasing their parents becomes an important motivation. If you follow the above situation often enough, your toddler will trust you and abandon their project for the cool thing you are promising. And let there be no shortage of hugs and kisses. You can never spoil a child with too much love. Never.

You don’t have to go out and buy cool stuff for every tantrum, just look around your home. One day, an 18 month old and I sat on the floor and smelled every spice, vanilla flavoring, maple syrup, every yummy smell to be smelled in the kitchen for an entire afternoon. 

Just look around! Find a coat with giant buttons or a zipper, put it on the floor and practice doing those things for a while. They make toys for those activities and one we love is a Farm Book. They can take food out and feed the felt animals, move the farmer and his wife around, there is so much to do. Great for travel or rainy afternoons!

Or you can also make Play dough or cookies or get out a $3 set of Crayola Watercolors. There are so many ways to keep a toddler busy and out of trouble especially if you play along, too. There are loads of Instagram accounts that feature things for toddlers to do. 

Just to play Devils Advocate here: Do you feel short changed because you didn’t get to express your own feelings about Oliver’s antics? Boundaries are important, even if yelling is not. It is much easier for Oliver to listen to you if you aren’t screaming at him.

While sitting on the floor playing, you can revisit the situation without anger. “Oliver, do you know why mommy didn’t want you to play with the china? You could fall off the chair and get hurt. The whole cabinet could have fallen on you! The things in that cabinet belonged to my grandma and I have to keep them nice so when you grow up I can give them to you. By then, you’ll know how to hold them so they don’t break. Okay? Can you promise you’ll ask me next time you want to see something in there? Then I know you’ll be safe.” 

Explaining to your child the realities without excessive emotion makes it so much easier for them to actually hear you.