Toddler Woes: How To End A Tantrum Fast!

 

I just saw a reel by a childcare coach in which she said her children could not get away with certain behaviors. In the scenario she describes, a child of undetermined age slammed a door in her mother’s face. The coach said that was a sign of disrespect and she would never put up with that. I wondered what she would do to the child. Punish them? Scream at them? In my mind, it is better to start long before such an event ever occurred.

As a person who spent 30 years raising her own daughters and ten years as a nanny for hundreds of kids, I know that respect starts from the ground up. It is a two way street and a child often exhibits the behaviors they have seen in their parents.

 I don’t know if that’s the case here or not but if a child seems disrespectful, most likely the child felt disrespected. 

This is a common problem in our society. People insist their children respect them and do what they say. This may not feel fair to the child and a lack of fairness commonly causes tantrum behaviors. 

Also though, children who see their parent’s anger issues may see tantrums as acceptable behavior.

Tantrums are frustrating for parents because you cannot simply make a toddler stop. Putting them in their room and closing the door may seem to have the message that this is not appropriate behavior but can result in repressed anger because the child does not feel heard. Please consider that raising children is not a moment to moment thing. You are building an adult every day. Add only appropriate ingredients.

Every child has tantrums. Every child wants to do things that are impossible, harmful, dangerous or downright silly and they lose their minds when they are told they cannot do them.

Here are the best ways I have learned to avoid tantrums, and in time, once your child understands and trusts that you have their best interest at heart, they will quiet down very quickly.

First of all, the less you use the word NO the better. Saying no puts you in a position of control and authority. You become the enemy, the block to their happiness. They are too young to understand the concept that you can, and to some degree should, control them. A child who is told No when he wants to swim in a rushing river has a full blown tantrum and is of course a ridiculous situation but one that happened recently to someone I know.

In my experience, the best way to avoid a tantrum is to engage the child in making the decision. Don’t say No, say, ‘Hmmmmm, let’s talk about that.’ 

Maybe say, ‘I am afraid you could be swept away from me. Let’s throw a stick in the river and see what happens to it.’ Child immediately engages. They want to see that, too. 

When the stick quickly disappears and is submerged repeatedly, Say, “Wow, I don’t know about you, but that water looks too scary to me today. What would I do if it took you away from me and I couldn’t save you?” 

Child clutches your hand tighter. Tables have turned, you agree to come another day when the water is safer, or to go somewhere else, like home into the bath or plan a day at the beach. 

This works. You have respected the child’s insane desire, helped them see you as their protector and guardian rather than someone who doesn’t understand them.

But what if it doesn’t work? What then? Then play! Be the rushing river! Grab the child and run in a spiraling circle with them, blow bubbles on their belly, and scream Help Help The river has my baby!! Sing loudly The river has my baby, my baby, my baby! And play act in a way the child is laughing or screaming happily. Then you leave the area.

Respecting the child’s desires teaches respect and a child who respects their parent over time is less likely to slam the door in their face five years down the road. 

Building your relationship with your child definitely has an impact on your own behavior. You no more want to be challenged by a toddler screaming NO than your toddler wants to hear NO from you. 

This is how parenting makes parents become better people. Giving up the idea that your world is all about you is part of giving up your own tantrums. Teaching your child you don’t need to control them teaches them to give up control and that is not a bad thing. 

Best of all, we learn that being a respectful human results in better interactions with other people. Looking around we see rude people everywhere. Being respectful also means being kind, and we all know the world needs a lot more of that. Being kind to rude people sometimes has a calming effect on them. 

Okay, but what if it is about a toy they want in the store and that toy is looking right at them. If they are in full blown tantrum mode, pick them up and tell them you truly understand how they feel. Tell them all the things you want but can’t have. Make a game, Let’s go through the store and tell each other about what we want but we can’t have.  

But if they are already tantruming, sing and rock them and whisper until they are quiet, even if they are fighting you. Tell them quietly that you know how they feel. You know they feel out of control and they don’t want to feel like that. Tell them how much you love them and that when they calm down you can talk about an appropriate time like a birthday or holiday when they can have the toy. Respect the fact that they have no idea why they can’t have it. Explain that we all only have so much money and all the things we have to pay for. Just sing and whisper quietly, for real this brings them back quicker than anything. 

Children want to be like you. If you are out of control that is what they learn from you. If you never are rattled by their outbursts they will learn to control them. If you tell them it is okay they feel so strongly but it is just life and everyone feels like that but we just have to learn like everyone else that we can’t always have what we want when we want it, they will learn self-acceptance for their feelings and self-discipline, which is a life skill. If you can control your anger, they will try harder to control their own emotions. 

Photo by  Jep Gambardella/Pexels.com